FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.

FLORIDA: Home of elective dysfunction.

FLORIDA: We count more than you do.

FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.

FLORIDA: Relax...Retire...ReVote.

FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again! ...and again...and again...

FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311?

FLORIDA: Where your vote counts...and counts...and counts...

FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!

Also: Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice.

You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.

You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.

The subway makes sense to you, and the subway should never be called anything like the Metro.

You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.

Your door has more than three locks and is made of steel.

You think Central Park is "nature."

You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the US pay on their mortgage.

You haven't seen more than 12 stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.

You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.

You have 27 different take-out menus next to your telephone.

Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip." Of course, you only go there to attend weddings or funerals.

America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.

You have jaywalking down to an art form. You're born with it.

You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.

You don't hear sirens anymore.

You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.

Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watch-seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian, your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian, and your neighbor is Swedish...That's NYC!

A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.

"How are you grandpa?" he asks.

"Feeling fine," says the old man.

"What's the food like?"

"Terrific, wonderful menus."

"And the nursing?"

"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."

"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"

"No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet...and that's it. I go out like a light."

The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to
question the nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?," he says, "I'm
told you're giving an 85-year-old man Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that
can't be true?"

"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."

Don't order steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day, so let them cook something they know.

Don't laugh at southern people's names. (Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Darla Beth, Inez, Bubba, Billy Joe Bob, Sissy, etc.) These have been known to beat a man's ass for less.

Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. This can lead to an ass kicking. Down south it's called Coke. It don't make a damn whether it's Pepsi, 7-Up or whatever else, it's a Coke.

Don't show allegiance to any college football team that isn't in the SEC or ACC or we'll kick your ass (Carolina, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, etc.). All the others are just a bunch of pansies that play teams like Wyoming. We'll kick their ass, too.

Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (eg, Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally lots nicer. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes have a small lapse in judgment (e.g., Clinton, Fordice, Gore, Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb because we will kick your ass.

We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass.

Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended, and don't put sugar on your grits or we'll kick your ass.

Don't fake a southern accent. This will incite a riot and you will get your ass kicked.

Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. If you don't like it here, take your ass home before we kick it.

We don't play lacrosse, hockey, or any of those other sissy northern games, so don't come down here asking the score because we don't give a damn and we'll kick your ass.

We know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we want to and because we can. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go home or we'll kick your ass.

And last, but not least, DO NOT come down here trying to tell us how to BBQ. This will get your ass shot off (after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our BBQ, and go home in a pine box minus your ass.

An elderly couple, she was 85, he was 90, decided that they would take advantage of modern science to conceive another child.They discussed it with a fertility expert who said it was indeed possible.The doctor gave the couple a jar and asked them to return a semen sample the next day.

The next day, the couple presented the doctor with an empty jar. The husband apologized, "I tried my right hand...I tried my left hand...My wife tried her right hand...My wife tried her left hand. She even took her teeth out and used her mouth. We still couldn't get the lid off the jar".

I believe that I've found inner peace

My therapist told me that the path to achieving inner peace was to finish the
things that I had started.

Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a lemon cream pie, the balance of
a liter of Jack Daniels, and a small box of Godiva chocolates

I feel better already

A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list. "Lady," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."

"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging scavenger hunt?"

"My babysitter's boyfriend."

A rich Texan walked into the offices of the president of a small Texas college and said, "I'd like to donate a million dollars tax free to this institution. But there's a condition. I would like to have an honorary degree."

The president nodded agreeably, "That's not a problem. We can certainly arrange that!"

The rich man said, "An honorary degree for my *horse*."

"For your horse???"

"Yep, you betcha. She carried me for many years and I owe her a lot. I'd like her to receive a Tr.D., a Doctor of Transportation."

"But . . . we can't give a degree to a *horse*!"

"Then I'm afraid I'll have to take my million dollars to another educational institution."

"Well, wait a minute," said the president, seeing the million slip through his fingers, "Let me consult with the school's trustees."

A hurried trustee meeting was brought to order and the president related the deal and the condition. All of the board reacted with shock and disbelief -- except the oldest trustee. He appeared almost asleep.

One trustee snorted, "We can't give a *horse* an honorary degree -- no matter HOW much money is involved."

The oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, "Take the money and give the horse the degree."

The president asked, "Don't you think that would be a disgrace to us?"

"Of course not, " the wise old trustee said. "It would be an honor. It'd be the first time we ever gave a degree to an ENTIRE horse."

A man who was noted for his tact was awakened one morning at four o'clock by his ringing telephone. "Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an irate voice.

The man thanked the caller and politely asked his name before hanging up. The next morning at four o'clock, he called back his neighbor...

"Sir," he said, "I don't have a dog."

I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder

This is how it goes...

I decide to do work on the car, I start to the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to work on the car... BUT FIRST...

I'm going to go through the mail. Lay car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk....BUT FIRST...

I'll take the trash out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills.... Yes. Now, where is the checkbook? Oops.. there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty plastic cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks... BUT FIRST...

I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water, I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I'll just put them away... BUT FIRST...

I need to water those plants. I head for the door and... Aaaagh! someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants... BUT FIRST...

I need to find those checks.

END OF DAY: Oil in car not changed, bills still unpaid, cup still in the sink, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys,... And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious... I'd get help... BUT FIRST...

I think I'll check my e-mail.

Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, "Do you ever get to feeling horny??

"Yes," her friend replied. "What do you do about it?"

"I usually suck on a Lifesaver.? ...

... After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, "Well, what beach do you go to?

Mr Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.

"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."

When Mr Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"

Mr Lee nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."

"From hunger, you mean?"...

"No, from skipping."...

We purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation.

"If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband
confidently declared.

One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a brief conversation, he hung up.

"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."

An Arab was walking through the Pakistan desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance.

Hoping to find water, he walked towards image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.

The Arab asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"

The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."

The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you Jewish idiot, I need water!"

"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 8 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way,...look for Sam's Shack, they'll give you all the water you want."

The Arab thanked him and walked away toward the hill and eventually disappeared.

Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table with the tie display.

He said, "I told you, about 8 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"

The Arab rasped, "I found it all right. But your brother Sam wouldn't let me in without a tie."

Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"

The other replies, "Oh sure I do."

The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"

The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."

After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"

An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"

"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."

"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.

The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied," Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"

Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'.'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there-that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"

Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm.

A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"

"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.

"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"

A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss
says, "What happened to your ears?"

He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I
accidentally answered the iron."

The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other
ear?"

He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"

Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"

A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.

The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a
doctor!."

The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."