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Fall 2002
Retirement Plans
Approaching eighty-five years of age, Mrs. Lipkowitz finally decided it was time to give up her apartment in New York and move to Miami. She was given the name of a Florida realtor, who enthusiastically drove her all over Miami, extolling the virtues of every apartment they looked at.
"And this one, what a steal," he rhapsodized, "the investment of a lifetime. Why, in ten years it's going to be worth three times..."
"Sonny," interrupted Mrs. Lipkowitz, "at my age, I don't even buy green bananas!"
A senior woman is on a cruise ship and wanders up to the bar and asks for a scotch with two drops of water.
As the bartender gives her the drink she says, "I'm on the cruise to celebrate my 80th birthday and it's today."
The bartender says "Well, since it's your birthday, I'll buy you a drink. In fact, this one is on me."
As the woman finishes her drink, the woman to her right says, "I would like to buy you a drink, too."
The old woman says, "Thank you. Bartender, I want a scotch with two drops of water.
"Coming up," says the bartender.
As she finishes her drink, the man to her left says, "I would like to buy you one, too."
The old women says, "Thank you. Bartender, I would like another scotch with two drops of water."
"Comin' right up," the bartender says. As he gives her the drink he says, "Ma'am, I'm dying of curiosity. Why the Scotch with only two drops of water?"
The old woman replies, "Sonny, when you're my age, you learn how to hold your liquor. Water, however, is a whole other issue."
July 4th weekend was coming up, and the nursery school teacher took the opportunity to tell her class about patriotism.
"We live in a great country," she said. "One of the things we should be happy is that, in this country, we are all free."
One little boy came walking up to her from the back of the room. He stood with his hands on his hips and said. . . ."I'm not free. I'm four."
In a surprising blockbuster merger, drug company Pfizer Inc. has agreed to buy rival Pharmacia Corp. for about $60 billion in stock. Pfizer makes Viagra, and Pharmacia makes Rogaine hair products and the Nicorette smoking cessation line... Now you'll grow hair that stands straight up for 12 hours...
Ways To Use An America Online Disc
- Drink coaster
- Door stopper (use multiple disks)
- Ice scrapper
- Shower tile
- Place holder in a book
- Mini-Frisbee
- Air hockey puck
- Dog chew toy
- Fly swatter (tape it to a long stick)
- Joke disk (pull out the inside)
- Pooper scooper
- Grill scraper
- Wrist slicer (after receiving first AOL bill!)
- Destroy them (to relieve stress)
- Prop up uneven table or chair legs
- Greeting card (bind two together at one end)
- Halloween Treat (give them away all night long)
- Bulletproof vest
- Paper weights
- Refrigerator magnet (glue a magnet to the back)
- Christmas Ornaments (the more the merrier!)
- Give them to young children to use as building blocks.
- Warm milk & AOL disks for Santa.
- House insulation.
- Hockey Puck (rubber band a few together)
"OLD" IS WHEN...Your sweetie says, "Let's go upstairs and make love,"and you answer, "Pick one, I can't do both!"
"OLD" IS WHEN...Your friends compliment You on your new alligator shoes and you're barefoot.
"OLD" IS WHEN...A sexy babe catches your fancy and your pacemaker opens the garage door.
"OLD" IS WHEN...Going bra-less pulls all the wrinkles out of your face.
"OLD" IS WHEN...You don't care where your spouse goes, just as long as you don't have to go along.
"OLD" IS WHEN...You are cautioned to slow down by the doctor instead of by the police.
"OLD" IS WHEN..."Getting a little action" means I don't need to take any fiber today.
"OLD" IS WHEN..."Getting lucky" means you find your car in the parking lot.
"OLD" IS WHEN...An "all-nighter" means not getting up to pee
The preacher, in his Sunday sermon, used "Forgive Your Enemies" as his subject. After a long sermon, he asked how many were willing to forgive their enemies. About half held up their hands.
Not satisfied, he continued on for another twenty minutes, repeating his question. This time he received a response of eighty percent.
Still unsatisfied, he lectured for fifteen more minutes and repeated his question. With thoughts of Sunday dinner, all responded except one older gentleman in the rear.
"Mr. Jones, are you not willing to forgive your enemies?"
"I don't have any," replied Mr. Jones.
"Mr. Jones, that is very unusual. How old are you?"
"Eighty six," was the reply.
"Mr. Jones, please come down in front and tell the congregation how a man can live to eighty six and not have an enemy in the world."
The old man teetered down the aisle and slowly turned around. "It's easy. I just outlived the them all."
IA little nine-year-old girl was in church with her mother when she started feeling ill. "Mommy," she said. "Can we leave now?"
"No," her mother replied.
"Well, I think I have to throw up!"
"Then go out the front door and around to the back of the church and throw up behind a bush." In about two minutes the little girl returned to her seat.
"Did you throw up?" her mother asked.
"Yes," the little girl replied.
"Well, how could you have gone all the way to the back of the church and return so quickly?"
"I didn't have to go out of the church, Mommy." the little girl replied. "They have a box next to the front door that says, 'For the sick'."
- Your horn sticks on the freeway behind 32 Hell's Angels.
- The worst player on the golf course wants to play you for money.
- You call suicide prevention and they put you on hold.
- You get to work and find a "60 Minutes" news team waiting in your office.
- Your birthday cake collapses from the weight of the candles.
- You turn on the evening news and they are showing emergency routes out of the city.
- Your twin sister forgets your birthday.
- You wake up to the soothing sound of running water...and remember that you just bought a waterbed.
- The bird singing outside your window is a vulture.
- You call your answering service and they tell you it's none of your business.
- Your blind date turns out to be your ex-wife/ex-husband.
- Your income tax refund check bounces.
- You put both contact lenses in the same eye.
- You need one bathroom scale for each foot.
- The restaurant check has been on the table for ten minutes...and no one has touched it.
- Airline food starts to taste good.
- You have to borrow from your VISA to pay off your MASTERCARD.
- People think you are 40...and you really are.
- Your new lover calls to tell you "Last night was terrific." And you remember that you were home by yourself.
A man goes into a drug store and asks the pharmacist if he can give him something for the hiccups. The pharmacist promptly reaches out and slaps the man's face. (Whack!)
"What did you do that for?" the man asks.
"Well, you don't have the hiccups anymore, do you?"
The man says, "No, but my wife is out in the car still does!"
A woman in her late 80s decides to move to Miami. As part of her prepara- tions, she goes to see her doctor to get all of her charts.
The doctor asks her how she is doing, and she gives him the litany of complaints: "This hurts," "That's stiff," "I'm tired and slow" and so on.
"You have to expect things to start deteriorating," the doctor says sympathetically. "After all, who wants to live to 100?"
The woman looks him straight in the eye. "Anyone who's 99."
Two youngsters were closely examining bathroom scales on display at the departmentstore.
"What's it for?" one asked.
"I don't know," the other replied. "I think you stand on it and it makes you mad. At least it does that for my Mom and Dad."
A little boy was in a relative's wedding. As he was coming down the aisle he would take two steps, stop, and turn to the crowd (alternating between bride's side and groom's side). While facing the crowd, he would put his hands up like claws and roar loudly.
So it went, step, step, ROAR, step, step, ROAR all the way down the aisle. As you can imagine, the crowd was near tears from laughing so hard by the
time he reached the front. The little boy, however, was getting more and more distressed from all the laughing, and was near tears by the time he reached the pulpit. When asked what he was doing, the child sniffed and said, "I was being the Ring Bear."
Gene the lawyer was walking down the street and saw an auto accident. He rushed over, started handing out business cards, and said, "I saw the whole thing. I'll take either side."
Two young boys were spending the night at their grandparents. At bedtime, the two boys knelt beside their beds to say their prayers when the youngest one began praying at the top of his lungs.
"I PRAY FOR A NEW BICYCLE... I PRAY FOR A NEW NINTENDO... I PRAY FOR A NEW VCR..."
His older brother leaned over and nudged the younger brother and said, "Why are you shouting your prayers? G-d isn't deaf."
To which the little brother replied, "No, but Grandma is!"
You know what would have happened if there had been three wise WOMEN instead of three wise MEN, don't you?
They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the Baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and given practical gifts, such as disposable diapers.
Happy Birthday Cinderella
Cinderella is now 75 years old. After a fulfilling life with the now dead Prince, she happily sits upon her rocking chair, watching the world go by from her front porch, with a cat named Bob for companionship. One sunny afternoon, out of nowhere, appeared the Fairy Godmother. Cinderella said "Fairy Godmother, what are you doing here after all these years?" The Fairy godmother replied, "Cinderella, you have lived an exemplary life since I last saw you. Is there anything for which your heart still yearns?"
Cinderella was taken a back, overjoyed, and after some thoughtful consideration and almost under her breath she uttered her first wish: "I wish I were wealthy beyond comprehension.” Instantly her rocking chair was turned into solid gold. Cinderella was stunned. Bob, her old faithful cat, jumped off her lap and scampered to the edge of the porch, quivering with fear. Cinderella said, "Oh thank you, Fairy Godmother."
The Fairy Godmother replied, "It is the least I can do. What does your heart want for your second wish?" Cinderella looked down at her frail body, and said: "I wish I were young and full of the beauty of youth again". At once, her wish became reality, and her beautiful youthful visage returned. Cinderella felt stirrings inside her that had been dormant for years. A long-forgotten vigor and vitality began to course through her. Then the Fairy Godmother again spoke "You have one more wish, what shall you have?" Cinderella looks over to the frightened cat in the corner and says, "I wish for you to transform Bob, my old cat, into a kind and handsome young man." Magically, Bob suddenly underwent so fundamental a change in his biological makeup that, when complete he stood before her, a man so beautiful the likes of which neither she nor the world had ever seen.
The Fairy Godmother again spoke, "Congratulations, Cinderella. Enjoy your new life." And, with a blazing shock of bright blue electricity, she was gone. For a few eerie moments, Bob and Cinderella looked into each other’s eyes. Cinderella sat, breathless, gazing at the most stunningly perfect man she had ever seen. Then Bob walked over to Cinderella, who sat transfixed in her rocking chair, and held her close in his young muscular arms. He leaned in close, blowing her golden hair with his warm breath as he whispered:
"Bet you're sorry you neutered me now.."
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© Copyright Gail R. Mitchell.
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