A fellow worked in the 'nut house" and wanted to do something nice for the inmates.
So he decided to take them to a baseball game. He had an orientation session with them on how they should act. 

"When I say "Nuts stand, everybody stand up. When I say nuts sit, everybody sit.
And when is say nuts cheers, everybody cheer."

So the day of the game came and when they played the national anthem, he said "Nuts stand." And everybody stood. When it was over he said, "Nuts sit," and everybody sat.

At the seventh inning, everything was going so well that he left them with the aide and went to get a cup of coffee. When he returned, it was mass chaos. "What happened?" he asked the aide.

"Well," the aide said, "everything was going great until this guy came around yelling 
'Pea----nuts!!"

Bill Clinton was fishing one day when his boat began to leak and sank. Bill was floundering around in the water when three boys on the shore jumped in and saved him. Clinton was so grateful that he told the boys they could have anything they wanted. 

The first boy said he wanted to go to Disneyland. "I'll take you there myself," said the president. 
The second boy said he wanted to meet Michael Jordan. "I'll introduce you to him. We can have lunch too. 

And what do you want? he asked the third boy. 

"I want one of those new electronic wheelchairs with the automatic controls and a TV mounted on it." 

"What do you want a wheelchair for, you are not crippled," asked the president. 

The third boy replied, "Yeah, but when my father finds out I saved you he will cripple me for sure." 

I finally got my head together, and my body fell apart.
There cannot be a crisis this week, my schedule is full.
Time may be a great healer, but it is a lousy beautician.
The older you get, the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your fat
and your body are really good friends.
Age doesn't always bring wisdom. Sometimes age comes alone.
Just when I was getting used to yesterday, along came today.
Sometimes I think I understand everything, then I regain consciousness.
Amazing! You just hang something in your closet for a while and it shrinks two sizes.
Freedom of the press means no-iron clothes.
Inside some of us is a thin person struggling to get out, but they can usually
be sedated by a piece of chocolate cake.
Seen it all, done it all, can't remember most of it!!

One day, a diver was enjoying the aquatic world 20 feet below sea level. He
noticed a guy at the same depth he was, but he had on no scuba gear whatsoever.

The diver went below another 20 feet, but the guy joined him a few minutes later. The diver went below 25 feet, but minutes later, the same guy joined him. This confused the diver, so he took out a waterproof chalkboard set, and wrote, "How the heck are you able to stay under this deep without equipment?"

The guy took the board and chalk, erased what the diver had written, and wrote, "I'm drowning, you moron!"

A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."

The man said, "No problem."

With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.

The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.

The man then said, "I have another pair... try these."

The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."

The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth... try them."

The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."

With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting
was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.

"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."

The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."
~

On little Larry's first day of first grade, he raised his hand as soon 
as the teacher came into the room and said, 'I don't belong here, 
I should be in third grade!' The teacher looked at little Larry's 
records and told him to please take his seat.
Not five minutes passed when little Larry stood up again and said, 
'I don't belong here, I should be in the third grade!' 
Larry did this a few more times before the principal came along and 
the teacher explained Larry's problem. 
The principal and the first grade teacher told little Larry that if he 
could answer some questions that they could decide in which grade he 
belonged. Well, they soon discovered that Larry knew all the state 
capitals and country capitals that the principal could think of. 
The teacher suggested they try some biology questions... 
'What does a cow have 4 of but a woman has only 2?' asked the teacher 
'Legs!' Larry immediately replied. 
"What does a man have in his pants that a woman doesn't?' 
asked the teacher. 
'Pockets!' said Larry. 
The teacher looked at the principal, who said, 
'Maybe he should be in third grade, I missed those last two questions!'

A kindly stranger was walking through a park when he noticed an elderly
lady sitting on a bench sobbing her eyes out. The stranger stopped and
asked her what was wrong. The old woman replied "I have a 22 year old
husband at home. He makes love to me every morning and then gets up and
makes me pancakes, sausage, fresh fruit and freshly ground, brewed
coffee."
"Then why are you crying?" the stranger asked.
"He makes me homemade soup for lunch and my favorite brownies and then
makes love to me half the afternoon." the old lady cried.
"So why are you crying?" the stranger asked again.
"For dinner he makes me a gourmet meal with wine and my favorite desert
and then makes love to me until 2:00 am." the old lady cried.
Once again the stranger asked "Why in the world would you be crying?"
The old wailed "I CAN'T REMEMBER WHERE I LIVE!!!!"

President Clinton had been walking around the White House and
going to meetings all day with a pair of pink ladies' panties on his arm.

Reporters and staff observed this phenomenon and wondered what he was doing.

At an afternoon press conference, Sam Donaldson got brave enough
to ask him why he had a pair of ladies' panties on his arm.

The President replied: "It's the patch. I'm trying to quit."

Two women are driving from New York to California. Around Malibu, the passenger spots a vanity license plate, OYGRWUP.

"Hey, look! That tag says, 'Oy, grow up!' "

"Are you kidding?" says the driver. "We're in California, not New York. It says, 'Oh,
why grow up?' "

Ask any man, and he will tell you that any woman's ultimate fantasy is to have two men at once.

While this has been verified by a recent sociological study, it appears that most men do not realize that in this fantasy, one man is cooking and the other is cleaning.

A Scotsman went to a pub with his Great Dane and when he arrived, he tied the dog up outside and went in to have a pint o' bitter.

A few minutes later, another Scottish bloke walked in and the following conversation ensued:

Second man: Is that your dog outside?

First man: Aye. What of it?

Second man: Well, I think my dog may'a killed 'im.

First man, stunned: What kind'a dog you got that can kill a Great Dane?

Second man: Well, e's a Chihuahua.

First man: Ha! 'ow can a Chihuahua kill a Great Dane?

Second man: Well, I think the wee thing may'a gotten stuck in 'is throat.

You DO know what would have happened if it had been three wise WOMEN instead of three wise men, don't you??

They would have asked for directions, arrived on time, helped deliver the baby, cleaned the stable, made a casserole and brought practical gifts

1. Introduction to Common Household Objects I: The Mop
2. Introduction to Common Household Objects II: The Sponge
3. Dressing Up: Beyond the Wedding and the Funeral
4. Refrigerator Forensics: Identifying and Removing the Dead
5. Design Pattern or Splatter Stain on the Linoleum? - You CAN Tell the Difference!
6. Accepting Loss I: If It's Empty, You Can Throw It Away
7. Accepting Loss II: If the Milk Expired Three Weeks Ago,
Keeping It In the Refrigerator Won't Bring It Back
8. Going to the Supermarket - It's Not Just for Women Anymore!
9. Recycling Skills I: Boxes that the Electronics Came In
10. Recycling Skills II: Styrofoam that Came in the Boxes that
the Electronics Came In
11. Bathroom Etiquette I: How to Remove Beard Clippings from the Sink
12. Bathroom Etiquette II: Let's Wash Those Towels!
13. Bathroom Etiquette III: Five Easy Ways to Tell When You're About to Run Out
of Toilet Paper!

I noticed my husband standing on the bathroom scale, sucking in his stomach.
Thinking he was trying to weigh less with this maneuver, I commented, "I don't think that is going to help."
"Sure it does," he said. "It's the only way I can see the numbers."

An old man decided to sign up for social security benefits.
He goes to the Social Security Office. Upon arrival at the
clerks desk, she asks for proof of age. He reaches for his
wallet. Embarrassed, the man realizes that he left his wallet
home.

After explaining to the clerk she replies, "Don't worry, just
open your shirt. If your chest hair is gray, you qualify."

The man opens his shirt and was signed up for his benefits.
Upon arriving home, he tells the story to his wife. She
looked at him, smiled, and said, "Too bad they didn't ask you
to drop your pants. You'd qualify for disability too!"

A little old woman called the Hospital, "Hello, I'd like to talk with the person
who gives patient information."

"Hold I will connect you." 

Then a very authoritative voice asks, "Are you the lady who is calling for patient information?"
She said, "Yes - I'd like to know the information about Sarah Finkel, in Room 302.
" He said, "Finkel. Finkel. Let me see. Oh yes. Mrs. Finkel is doing very well. In fact, she's had two full meals, her blood pressure is fine, and if she continues this way, her doctor is going to send her home Tuesday at twelve o'clock."

The woman said, "Thank Goodness! That's wonderful! She's going home at twelve o'clock! I'm so happy to hear that. That's great news!" The guy on the other end answered, "From your enthusiasm, I take it you must be a close family member." 

She said, "Close? I'll say! ... I AM Sarah Finkel! But my doctor doesn't tell me anything!"

Three boys were walking along a lake when they heard someone struggling
in the water. At a closer look, they found President Clinton, who had slipped away from his secret service, going down for his last breath.

The boys looked at each other and decided that the right thing to do was to jump in and save him. They jumped in and brought him to shore. When he regained his composure, he thanked the boys and offered them anything they wanted.

The first boy thought about what it was that he would ask of the president and finally decided that he would like a presidential appointment to West Point.

The second boy agreed that a presidential appointment would be nice but he wanted to go to Annapolis.

The third boy thought and thought and thought, and finally he arrived at his decision. "Mr.President, I would like a burial with honors at Arlington National
Cemetery"

The president was taken aback and asked the boy why he would ask for such an unusual reward at his young age.

The boy replied "When my father finds out I saved your life, he is going to kill me!"