Hooded goblins with larger-than-life trick or treat bags. A carved turkey surrounded by dishes made from old family recipes. Children bounding down stairs to examine their rewards from Santa. The scenes above could be themes for Norman Rockwell paintings. And “It’s a Wonderful Life” continues to appear in TV listings each year at this time.
But to thousands of caregivers who face insurmountable problems on a daily basis, the joys of holidays remain just beyond reach as they struggle with one of the deepest and most painful of emotions – that of loneliness.
While the majority of caregivers try to make a loved one’s remaining time more meaningful, they often lose themselves in the process. To give, to nurture and to provide spirituality to loved ones is a gift, but in doing so caregivers need to respond to their own need for love, acceptance and understanding from other family members and/or friends.
It is easy to get lost in a day-to-day ritual of tending to the needs of one who is severely ill or perhaps even near death, and in doing so the caregiver often finds an “escape” through which they can hide or ignore their feelings of isolation. Many do this intentionally so as to avoid dealing with what their life is lacking while others are never aware of the avoidance until their loved one’s death forces their newly opened eyes to see the empty slots in the parking lot of their life.
Loneliness is an inescapable part of being human. The sense of being left out, isolated, misunderstood or abandoned are all part of what a care-giver can feel. Is there a caregiver reading this now who has never felt the lack of response to a hunger for support and caring? And no matter how hard you try, haven’t all of you at one time felt that in directing so much time and attention in one direction you’ve ultimately let down, hurt or offended someone else?
Although many caregivers try to alter their situations, perhaps by encouraging siblings to assist, employing professional staff or even finding alternate living facilities for their loved one, others realize their situation is permanent until God, or a higher power, intervenes.
Regardless of the situation, dealing with loneliness is a universal issue. Caregivers should examine themselves to find the root of their loneliness and deal with it now rather than after the loss of their loved one. Admit you loneliness. Express the pain and to what extent it affects your life.
Accept the fact that you can’t change the past but can draw from it to create a more rewarding future.
Accept your limitations as they apply to your situation. Reach out to others and don’t ever stop, for those who love you may not know just how to reach out to you during this time.
And most importantly, take care of your inner self. As you give to another, give also to yourself. A lonely person does not lack contact with other people. A lonely person lacks contact with him/her self.
Many blessings to all of you.
Copyrighted by Patti St. Clair 10/25/1999
