{"id":3117,"date":"2003-11-07T12:00:00","date_gmt":"2003-11-07T12:00:00","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/care-givers.com\/articles\/1-universal-problem-1-wrong-answer\/"},"modified":"2021-06-25T19:38:37","modified_gmt":"2021-06-25T19:38:37","slug":"1-universal-problem-1-wrong-answer","status":"publish","type":"post","link":"https:\/\/care-givers.com\/articles\/1-universal-problem-1-wrong-answer\/","title":{"rendered":"1 Universal Problem 1 Wrong Answer"},"content":{"rendered":"

No, it\u2019s not burnout. Or lack of information. Or even poverty, fatigue, back pain \u2013 or any of the many other problems and afflictions that we care-givers are heir to. It\u2019s not even guilt. It\u2019s that we need to be more selfish than we are.<\/p>\n

We think we\u2019re too selfish, and often feel ashamed about it. But the truth is that care-givers get out of the habit of taking care of themselves. Here\u2019s how it works: you find the whole thing almost impossibly hard; yet other care-givers do it without complaining or giving up; so there must be something wrong with you; and you drive yourself on; until you\u2019re ready to drop.<\/p>\n

This is why the title of my new book is The Selfish Pig\u2019s Guide to Caring (the title of the U.S. edition will be The Selfish Pig\u2019s Guide to Caregiving). It isn\u2019t for people who really are selfish pigs. It\u2019s for care-givers who need, for a change, to think about themselves.<\/p>\n

We didn\u2019t apply for the job of care-giver. Most of us don\u2019t have a vocation for it. We\u2019ve had no training. We\u2019re certain we aren\u2019t much good at it. Plus, and this is the nub of the matter, we\u2019ve got our own life to lead. Are we expected to throw that away because of somebody else\u2019s disability? We\u2019ve got things to do, places to go. And now it looks as if we might not be able to.<\/p>\n

But aren\u2019t we just as important as they are? Why are we expected to sacrifice ourselves for somebody else? And yes, I mean sacrifice. We\u2019re not talking about giving up five minutes of time once or twice a week. Or putting off a vacation from this year to next. We\u2019re talking about changing our entire way of life. The old one wasn\u2019t perfect, but it was the best we could do. This new one isn\u2019t even ours. It\u2019s somebody else\u2019s life. And it\u2019s one that doesn\u2019t suit us at all.<\/p>\n

It isn\u2019t fair!<\/p>\n

Sure, sure, sure. I\u2019m not going to argue with you. All I\u2019m going to say is that none of this makes you a selfish pig. Well, you\u2019ve got this far, anyway. This probably means that you\u2019re caring for someone. Or thinking about caring for someone. Selfish pigs don\u2019t do that. They get somebody else to do their dirty work. Or they just turn their backs on the problem and walk away.<\/p>\n

So what are you, if you\u2019re not a selfish pig? A reluctant caregiver?<\/p>\n

No, you\u2019re just the average caregiver. The reason you aren\u2019t aware that you\u2019re walking down a well-trodden path is because caregivers don\u2019t get much publicity. Or attention. When someone pushes a wheelchair through a crowd, it\u2019s the wheelchair that attracts the sideways glances. Or which causes passers-by to look politely away. In either case, the person who\u2019s doing the pushing is invisible. Those people in the crowd don\u2019t spare the caregiver a thought. Be fair, did you ever, before you became a caregiver?<\/p>\n

No. So what goes on in the minds and deep dark despairing souls of the caregivers is a complete unknown. Except to other caregivers. They know. They\u2019ve been there.<\/p>\n

Did you really think all those other caregivers were doing it because it\u2019s what they always aspired to? Maybe they won the big prize in a competition? Or saved up for years so that finally they could take up this glamorous way of life?<\/p>\n

And do you somehow believe they\u2019re better at it than you?<\/p>\n

Hang on, I know what you think. You\u2019ve convinced yourself that they\u2019re better than you, period. That someone who cares for another human being, long-term, is a better person than you are.<\/p>\n

Well, all I can say to that is Ha! The only difference between them and you is that they\u2019re a bit further ahead, that\u2019s all. They kept walking down the path that you\u2019re just starting out on, and along the way they discovered things. They didn\u2019t have any training or vocation or special ability. They aren\u2019t more capable of loving. They most decidedly are NOT less selfish. They\u2019re exactly the same as you. Just more experienced at being caregivers, that\u2019s all.<\/p>\n

Caregiving is like being in love. When it happens to you it changes your entire life, and the emotions are so overpowering that you think you must be the first person in the world ever to feel this way.<\/p>\n

In fact, though, what you\u2019re going through has been experienced probably millions of times before. It\u2019s just that, until recently, nobody talked about it much. Or, at least, talked about some of the tougher aspects.<\/p>\n

So I\u2019ve tried to drag these things into the sunlight. The list of contents of the Selfish Pig\u2019s Guide runs like this:<\/p>\n