Time continues to increase my conviction that the old adage “Practice, practice, practice” is as necessary to experiencing a state of enchantment as anything else. Unfortunately, I am convinced, in general, we work much harder than we realize to stay in state of disenchantment rather than to let ourselves enjoy moments of enchantment.
We seem to practice staying in bad mood and seeing our faults and weaknesses rather than our strengths. Do we really feel that worry will help a situation, rather than patiently figuring out appropriate, more positive action? The ultimate solution is often simple, though the road to a permanent state of well-being requires practice and continual awareness and work.
The truth is: most of us get in the way of our good mental health. We may experience a lonely or sad emptiness inside, suffer a sense of disconnection from ourselves, or have repetitive occurrences of bad moods or self-generating negative messages.
We constantly interrupt our potential for achieving positive states by permitting fears or the counting of our woes to take away potentially precious moments. Many of us lack a sense of comfort about being with ourselves in our own mental space, and within our own body. We forget how to recognize and emphasize our blessings.
My clients remind me every day of how we can get in our own way. I remind myself too, as I strive to maintain the wonderful sense of oneness with myself and the world that I call THE ENCHANTED SELF.
This “oneness,” if examined, is a reflection of and a daring to use in new ways suitable for the present moment, our own unique talents, interests, potentials and individual life experiences.
More and more I realize that maintaining enchantment is not a trivial activity. It involves more than positive self-regard, yet it has no psychic power without the foundation of positive self-regard.
It involves more than merely meeting one’s basic needs, it also involves valuing one’s basic needs. Yet it cannot be activated and maintained without certain negotiating skills. It also involves valuing one’s own Positive Fingerprints and Shadow Prints of the mind. Positive Fingerprints are actual memories were we have intentionally gone by and gleaned positive feelings and/or knowledge. Shadow Prints are more vague, but also contain within them are positive feelings and impressions from the past.
Without these unique memories and impressions that create a pathway to building a positive self-narrative, these positive building blocks of our uniqueness are lost to others and, more sadly, to ourselves.
We need our Positive Fingerprints and Shadow Prints of the mind so that our present and future will be able to reflect our talents, interests and potential. For if I deny the beauty and specialness of my own uniqueness, I am again locked out of the real experience of enchantment.
Personal enchantment is not a group activity. It remains a private exercise … leading to a sense of integrity and wholeness. Only the person herself knows if she is in a state of enchantment or disenchantment. Here is an activity to get you started, geared to emphasizing positive self-regard.
A Play Date with Your Own Enchantment!
1. Please write down five positive comments about yourself. For example, “You are a most courteous and helpful person.” “You are always there for me.” “I can always trust you.” You can make these statements in the first person or the third person, whichever is one comfortable for you. For example, you could state, “I’m a courageous person who tries to help others out, even at great cost to myself.” Or you could say, “You are a most courageous person who is willing to help others out, even at great cost to yourself.”
After you have made your list of five positive remarks you’d like to hear about yourself, put this piece of paper in your wallet or pocketbook. Read it to yourself at least once a day for one week. You may think of other positive statements you’d like to add, or you may get tired of certain ones and delete them. That’s fine. Just keep the number around five.
2. After a week, answer the following questions:
(a) How did you feel reading these remarks?
(b) Were there remarks you wished you could have made but honestly felt you didn’t deserve? If so, what do you think are some of the things you might need to work on before you can legitimately make a particular statement? Jot down some of those things. Try to be objective. Is your list realistic? Too perfectionistic? If it is perfectionistic, try to make it more realistic. Remember that incorporating positive self-regard requires practice and repetition just as incorporating negative self-statements required repetition. If you find this exercise uncomfortable at this time, return to it later.
*This article–with minor changes throughout–came from my book, THE ENCHANTED SELF, A Positive Therapy. The body of the article can be found on pages 184-l85 and the exercise on page 104.
Dr. Barbara Becker Holstein