“That Which Does Not Destroy Us Makes Us Strong “
(Author Unknown)
Whoever first made the above statement into a notable quotation surely was either a caregiver or had close ties with one. Those of us who have cared for a loved one on a 24/7 basis rarely take time to reflect philosophically on the “why” as it relates to being a caregiver. Instead we concentrate on the “when” and “where”….when do medicines need to be given….where do I look for the help I need….when will the Hospice aide come again….where can I find a respite facility that will give me a break.
Concentrate if you will on the “why” for a few moments as you take a short but a surely much-needed and deserved pause from caregiving. Why have you been given the responsibilities that accompany caring for your sick family member? As you proceed through the day’s activities that now revolve around someone else’s health care rather than any of the frivolous past times that you all enjoy, do you ever question why you are having to give up your free time or why you have to lose untold hours of sleep during the night because your patient is in pain and/or trying to navigate through your residence without knowing their way in the dark?
Caregivers are a chosen lot; that is, they have been given an extra challenge of caring for the welfare of a family member because a Higher Power deems them worthy of carrying that responsibility. When you look at the average caregiver in today’s society, he/she is not wealthier than the next person. He/she does not have a larger home nor is he/she medically informed as to the nature of the loved one’s disease. What caregivers do seem to have, however, is the capacity for love and the stamina and patience not present in those who have not been in the position of being a primary caregiver. Few are actually born with that capacity for love, and even fewer are a natural at demonstrating patience. Even caregivers “lose it” on occasion, but for the most part they try not to show their temporary lapse in patience to their loved one. But God (or whoever your Higher Power is) is aware of all of our struggles and somehow gives us the strength to keep us going regardless of the intensity of the caregiving situation.
Many of your situations are less that ideal; that is, perhaps you are caregiving for someone with whom you have a tense or even disagreeable relationship. Perhaps you feel burdened or at best challenged when you are homebound rather than free to pursue other pleasures. If this is your case, then doesn’t it stand to reason that the situation is equally difficult for your patient? Perhaps your loved one or family member had no other person to turn to for care, but if the relationship is strained or unpleasant then he/she is unhappy but with the added strain of an illness to contend with. How can you expect an ill family member to be easy to live with if this is the case? Under the best of circumstances, caregiving is a difficult yet often rewarding job. Under unpleasant circumstances, a caregiver’s home can seem like a battle ground.
If you can relate to this situation, try to realize that you as a caregiver have been given a responsibility by God, and the quality of another person’s life rests solely in your hands. God could just as easily have placed your patient in the hands of another, but he chose you – not out of chance but for a reason. To wear you down or cause you grief? I think not. You were chosen to caregive because God saw a quality in you that isn’t as present in the other members of your patient’s life. He saw tenacity. He saw compassion. And what He didn’t see, He gave you in the hopes you would use His help in caregiving.
For those of you who share my experience in caring for a parent with whom you experienced a loving relationship, please realize that this is not only a gift from God but a situation that gives both you and your parent a deeper, more meaningful ability to experience both the ups and downs of the end of life stages. If love is ever-present in your relationship, perhaps you can talk about what your parent is going through on a daily basis and even share what the final passage will mean to both of you. All parents seem to believe that they are a “burden” to their adult children, especially when their offspring is forced by circumstance to live in the same residence with the parent. Whether you have moved into your parent’s home or they have relocated into yours, it is a difficult situation for all parties involved. A loving relationship can pave the way for this transition, but you need to remember that the most valuable asset to a parent is independence. Once this is surrendered to an offspring, caregivers still face numerous challenges that are only made easier by open communication and the constant expressions of love. If you are blessed to be a caregiver who falls in this category, please capture every moment you can to hold your parent within your arms and remind them how dear they are – and always have been – to you.
Many of you are caring for a child with a debilitating disease or a husband with a terminal illness. Regardless of the relationship or the quantity of love involved, your tasks are equally confining and time-consuming. When you uttered the words “for better or for worse, in sickness and in health” you probably never envisioned that life would actually present you with the negative half of that vow. You all know, however, that life is not always about what we want. It is in God’s hands and deep down you realize that He can choose at any time to present you with circumstances beyond your control. Caregiving for a loved one is one of those circumstances, and hopefully you will turn to God for assistance with the task. Those of you caring for an offspring knows what “caring for” means from the first day of that child’s life. However, your hopes and dreams for your child may remain just that – hopes and dreams – if your child is stricken with a serious illness. Plans to retire and travel once your child is grown may not be in your future as you had hoped for. Surely parents who receive the news that a child is desperately ill or handicapped will be horrified through the early stages of that knowledge. No, God didn’t choose your child as a means of punishment, or at least that theory is not in keeping with a firm belief in a Higher Power. Perhaps God saw a quality in your child that is lacking in many other children….perhaps the ability to cope with extreme adversity. Perhaps a complacency that children don’t usually possess. Or perhaps simply a special quality that has no name. And you, the parents who have the task of learning to reassess your values and plans while adapting to the role of long-term caregiver, should learn that God actually wants to help you along the way. He doesn’t intend for you to “go it alone.” He gave you qualities that would prepare you for caregiving, and now those qualities need to be strengthened and put into use.
Caregiving is not an “at random” type of thing. Take the time to consider that all of you were meant to be caregivers and that your lives up to the point of becoming a caregiver were nurtured and developed by a Higher Power so as to accept the role when it was given to you. How could anyone caring for an ill family member not be strengthened by the experience? How could any caregiver not turn to a Higher Power for empowerment, strength and endurance when he/she feels burdened? Most importantly, how could any of you who caregive not feel so very special in having the qualities given to you by someone much more powerful than you?
That which does not destroy us makes us strong.
Patti St. Clair
