We all have them, and regardless of whether we do or don’t like them, they seem to remain with us. What would life be without memories? Pretty boring, I would think!
Somehow I think caregivers accumulate more memories than anyone else. The isolation that comes with the job makes you not only think more but retain more of those thoughts, and the closeness you have with the person you care for lays the foundation for further memories to be cemented in your mind.
It is easy to lose sight of this while you are caregiving, considering the daily challenges and stress…. but once you lose your loved one, you will always have memories. How you cope with these memories is very important after they are gone. I do not believe in blocking out bad memories, but I do know you must keep yourself from dwelling on them.
One of the last memories I have of my mother was her frail chest heaving for every breath prior to the hospital’s medication “kicking in.” That look of terror in her eyes. And let me tell you, it was a great burden on my mind…a BIG one. Not only knowing about her lung condition and knowing I did everything I could, but also knowing the doctors were doing all they could do. None of this helped erase the heavy weight from my mind.
After she passed away this “vision” would sneak up on me at any time, seemingly out of nowhere. I couldn’t seem to fight it off, and some days I thought I would go crazy. Nights were bad too. Her pleading eyes seemed to follow me everywhere. Pleading for something I could not give her. I felt I had let her down and wondered if I would ever be able to live with myself again.
Mary Ann Evans
