Christmas began in the heart of God. It is complete only when it reaches the heart of man.
I refer above to the Higher Power for Christians, but out of respect and regard for the many religions practiced by caregivers all over the world, I only ask you to substitute the name of your Higher Power in place of God.
This is undoubtedly the most emotional and spiritual time of year for most caregivers. It brings to an end another year of new caregivers assuming responsibilities never before believed possible. It brings to an end another year of continued caregiving by parents, spouses and adult children who have realized that they – not doctors, not nurses and not home aides, are responsible for the most part of the continuing welfare of their loved ones. And it also is the time of year that many caregivers who, having previously spent much time in preparation for family gatherings now find it necessary to juggle both caring for a loved one and being a part of a family gathering to celebrate the holidays.
There can only be so much written about how caregivers perceive the oncoming holidays, and those who have been in their caregiving status for any length of time feel undoubtedly as if they’ve read it all. However, let’s look at a different slant on the upcoming holidays.
Another well-known religious leader in the 21st Century, the Dalai Lama. suggests that we take into account that great love and great achievement involve great risk. Risk? What caregiver doesn’t know the real meaning of risk? Every time we administer a dose of medicine or try to navigate a spoonful of food into our loved one, we encounter risk. Only when they are again resting peacfully do we exhale fully and feel as if we’ve made it through another stress test.
The Dalai Lama also asks that we have respect for self, respect for others and respect for responsibility for all of our actions. I ask each of you now to remember back in time before you became a caregiver. Either someone was holding a gun to your head demanding that you assume responsibilities for your loved one, or you realized that you respected yourself enough to assume those responsibilites on your own. Obviously not all decisions are made by the caregiver, but many family members realize that they are the wisest choice to assume the responsibilities; thus, they show in that decision that they respect themself enough to assume the care of their loved one. Those who began their journey in that mental mode should remind themselves of that respect periodically, and realize that although we all err, we are human and are the best for the job.
Our Buddhist leader also reminds us that a little dispute should never injure a great friendship. Whether that friendship be between our loved one and ourself, or ourself and a family member – we need to learn that disputes are part of family relationships but should never take center stage over the care of our loved one. That pursuit is of greatest importance, and we must do whatever it takes to remind close friends or other family members of that attitude.
Again, the Dalai Lama encourages us to open our arms to change, but to hold on to our values. Caregivers must keep themselves open to change, or we could never adapt to the daily changes in our loved ones’ care. However, we need to realize that we have lives of our own, regardless of how much time or attention our loved ones require, and in order to stay in tune with our own karma, we need to experience “private time” on a daily basis – whether it be escaping to a candle-lit bath, a few moments writing privately in our journal, or a short walk around the neighborhood. The sitatuations all vary and no two are alike – however, the need is the same for each caregiver as are the repercussions if that need isn’t met.
In finality, the Dalai Lama suggests that we, as caregivers, deal with only the current situation without bringing up the past. All of us have struggled with this ideal suggestion, as it is difficult to erase memories. Once we have reached a certain age and have contact with only family, close friends and our ill loved one, memories become a major part of our relationships and those who have struggled within any of these relationships in the past now find it hard to come to grips with “letting go.” For the sake of our ill loved one, please ask yourself what purpose do memories serve, and if they are unpleasant isn’t it easier on all concerned to “let go” while caring for your loved one? Write those unpleasant memories in your journal and reminisce on them after your loved one has passed…perhaps they won’t seem as dismal or as unpleasant as they once did.
Those of our readers who practice the faith of the Church of Latter Day Saints, we have been told that “Good old St. Nicholas has long since gone the way of all mortals, but the joy he experiences in doing kindly deeds is now shared by millions who are learning that true happiness comes only by making other people happy – the practical application of the Savior’s doctrine of losing one’s life to gain it. In short, the Christmas spirit is the Christ spirit, that makes our hearts glow in brotherly love and friendship and prompts us to kind deeds of service.
I ask all of you to remember that the best relationship is one in which your love for each other exceeds your need for each other. Judge your success by what you had to give up in order to get it. And judge your ability to love by how long it takes you to think of your own needs before those whose care depends on you.
Christmas is of course a time of reflection…a time of giving thanks….a time of spiritual evolvement. It is also a time to give thanks to our Higher Power for allowing us to experience all of the endless emotions to which we have been exposed. Our Lord endured trials, tribulations and endured all tests thrown His way. Higher Powers of all other religions have experienced similar tests. Regardless of which religion you, as caregivers, practice or believe in, you also have had to endure trials and tribulations which have perhaps caused you to turn to your Higher Power for strength and endurance.
As we enter the Christmas holiday, let us all realize that all religions are united in spirituality. We worship those who we feel have been responsible for us being on this earth and in essence responsible for another person’s life. We’ve all lost, we’ve been tested, we’ve both passed and lost that test at various times – but our Higher Power has never forsaken us. We in turn have never forsaken our loved one.
Keep “Christ” – or our Higher Power – in our observance of Christmas.
Patti St. Clair
