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New State Slogans For Florida
FLORIDA: If you think we can't vote, wait till you see us drive.
FLORIDA: Home of elective dysfunction.
FLORIDA: We count more than you do.
FLORIDA: If you don't like the way we count then take I-95 and visit one of the other 56 states.
FLORIDA: Viagra voters do it again! ...and again...and again...
FLORIDA: What comes after 17,311?
FLORIDA: Where your vote counts...and counts...and counts...
FLORIDA: We're number one! Wait! Recount!
Also: Palm Beach County: So nice, we let you vote twice.
You Live In New York If
You say "the city" and expect everyone to know that this means Manhattan.
You have never been to the Statue of Liberty or the Empire State Building.
The subway makes sense to you, and the subway should never be called anything like the Metro.
You believe that being able to swear at people in their own language makes you multilingual.
Your door has more than three locks and is made of steel.
You think Central Park is "nature."
You pay more each month to park your car than most people in the US pay on their mortgage.
You haven't seen more than 12 stars in the night sky since you went away to camp as a kid.
You pay $5 without blinking for a beer that cost the bar 28 cents.
You have 27 different take-out menus next to your telephone.
Going to Brooklyn is considered a "road trip." Of course, you only go there to attend weddings or funerals.
America west of the Hudson is still theoretical to you.
You have jaywalking down to an art form. You're born with it.
You take a taxi to get to your health club to exercise.
You don't hear sirens anymore.
You live in a building with a larger population than most American towns.
Your doorman is Russian, your grocer is Korean, your deli man is Israeli, your building super is Italian, your laundry guy is Chinese, your favorite bartender is Irish, your favorite diner owner is Greek, the watch-seller on your corner is Senegalese, your last cabbie was Pakistani, your newsstand guy is Indian, your favorite falafel guy is Egyptian, and your neighbor is Swedish...That's NYC!
Visit To Grandpa In The Hospital
A man goes to visit his 85-year-old grandpa in the hospital.
"How are you grandpa?" he asks.
"Feeling fine," says the old man.
"What's the food like?"
"Terrific, wonderful menus."
"And the nursing?"
"Just couldn't be better. These young nurses really take care of you."
"What about sleeping? Do you sleep OK?"
"No problem at all, nine hours solid every night. At 10 o'clock they bring me a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet...and that's it. I go out like a light."
The grandson is puzzled and a little alarmed by this, so he rushes off to
question the nurse in charge. "What are you people doing?," he says, "I'm
told you're giving an 85-year-old man Viagra on a daily basis. Surely that
can't be true?"
"Oh, yes," replies the nurse. "Every night at 10 o'clock we give him a cup of hot chocolate and a Viagra tablet. It works wonderfully well. The chocolate makes him sleep, and the Viagra stops him from rolling out of bed."
New Edition of the Night Before Christmas Tradition
Twas the night before Christmas and all through the kitchen;
I was cooking and baking and moanin' and bitchin.'
I've been here for hours, I can't stop to rest.
This rooms a disaster, just look at this mess!
Tomorrow I've got thirty people to feed.
They expect all the trimmings. Who cares what I need!
My feet are both blistered, I've got cramps in my legs.
The cat just knocked over a bowl full of eggs.
There's a knock at the door and the telephone's ringing;
Frosting drips on the counter as the microwave's dinging.
Two pies in the oven, desserts almost done;
My cookbook is soiled with butter and crumbs.
I've had all I can stand, I can't take anymore;
Then in walks that butthead, spilling rum on the floor.
He weaves and he wobbles, his balance unsteady;
Then grins as he chuckles "The eggnog is ready!"
He looks all around and with some regret, says
"What's taking so long....aren't you through in here yet??"
As quick as a flash I reach for a knife;
He loses an earlobe; I wanted his life!
He flees from the room in terror and pain
And screams "MY GOD WOMAN, YOU'RE GOING INSANE!!"
Now what was I doing, and what is that smell?
Oh damn, it's the pies !! They're burned all to hell!!
I hate to admit when I make a mistake,
But I put them on BROIL instead of on BAKE.
What else can go wrong ? Is there still more ahead??
If this is good living, I'd rather be dead.
Lord, don't get me wrong, I love holidays;
It just leaves me exhausted, all shaky and dazed.
But I promise you one thing, If I live till next year,
You won't find me pulling my hair out in here.
I'll hire a maid, a cook, and a waiter;
And if that doesn't work,
I'LL HAVE IT ALL CATERED !!!
Southern Tourism Bureau warning to all visiting Yankees:
Don't order steak at a Waffle House. They serve breakfast 24 hours a day, so let them cook something they know.
Don't laugh at southern people's names. (Merleen, Bodie, Luther Ray, Tammy Ann, Darla Beth, Inez, Bubba, Billy Joe Bob, Sissy, etc.) These have been known to beat a man's ass for less.
Don't order a bottle of pop or a can of soda. This can lead to an ass kicking. Down south it's called Coke. It don't make a damn whether it's Pepsi, 7-Up or whatever else, it's a Coke.
Don't show allegiance to any college football team that isn't in the SEC or ACC or we'll kick your ass (Carolina, Tennessee, Alabama, Mississippi, Georgia, etc.). All the others are just a bunch of pansies that play teams like Wyoming. We'll kick their ass, too.
Don't refer to Southerners as a bunch of hillbillies. We know our heritage. Most of us are more literate than you (eg, Welty, Williams, Faulkner). We are also better educated and generally lots nicer. We have plenty of business sense (e.g., Fred Smith of Fed Ex, Turner Broadcasting, MCI WorldCom, MTV, Netscape). Naturally, we do sometimes have a small lapse in judgment (e.g., Clinton, Fordice, Gore, Duke). We don't care if you think we are dumb because we will kick your ass.
We are fully aware of how high the humidity is, so shut the hell up, spend your money, and get the hell out of here or we'll kick your ass.
Don't order wheat toast at Cracker Barrel. Everyone will instantly know that you're from Ohio. Eat your biscuits like God intended, and don't put sugar on your grits or we'll kick your ass.
Don't fake a southern accent. This will incite a riot and you will get your ass kicked.
Don't talk about how much better things are at home because we don't give a damn. If you don't like it here, take your ass home before we kick it.
We don't play lacrosse, hockey, or any of those other sissy northern games, so don't come down here asking the score because we don't give a damn and we'll kick your ass.
We know how to speak proper English. We talk this way because we want to and because we can. We don't care if you don't understand what we are saying. All other southerners understand what we are saying, and that's all that matters. Now, go home or we'll kick your ass.
And last, but not least, DO NOT come down here trying to tell us how to BBQ. This will get your ass shot off (after it is kicked). You're lucky we let you come down here at all. Question our BBQ, and go home in a pine box minus your ass.
Fertile Senior Citizens
An elderly couple, she was 85, he was 90, decided that they would take advantage of modern science to conceive another child.They discussed it with a fertility expert who said it was indeed possible.The doctor gave the couple a jar and asked them to return a semen sample the next day.
The next day, the couple presented the doctor with an empty jar. The husband apologized, "I tried my right hand...I tried my left hand...My wife tried her right hand...My wife tried her left hand. She even took her teeth out and used her mouth. We still couldn't get the lid off the jar".
I believe that I've found inner peace
My therapist told me that the path to achieving inner peace was to finish the
things that I had started.
Today I finished two bags of potato chips, a lemon cream pie, the balance of
a liter of Jack Daniels, and a small box of Godiva chocolates
I feel better already
The Scavenger Hunt
A woman answered her front door and saw a little boy holding a list. "Lady," he explained, "I'm on a scavenger hunt, and I still need three grains of wheat, a pork-chop bone and a piece of used carbon paper to earn a dollar."
"Wow," the woman replied. "Who sent you on such a challenging scavenger hunt?"
"My babysitter's boyfriend."
The Honorary Degree
A rich Texan walked into the offices of the president of a small Texas college and said, "I'd like to donate a million dollars tax free to this institution. But there's a condition. I would like to have an honorary degree."
The president nodded agreeably, "That's not a problem. We can certainly arrange that!"
The rich man said, "An honorary degree for my *horse*."
"For your horse???"
"Yep, you betcha. She carried me for many years and I owe her a lot. I'd like her to receive a Tr.D., a Doctor of Transportation."
"But . . . we can't give a degree to a *horse*!"
"Then I'm afraid I'll have to take my million dollars to another educational institution."
"Well, wait a minute," said the president, seeing the million slip through his fingers, "Let me consult with the school's trustees."
A hurried trustee meeting was brought to order and the president related the deal and the condition. All of the board reacted with shock and disbelief -- except the oldest trustee. He appeared almost asleep.
One trustee snorted, "We can't give a *horse* an honorary degree -- no matter HOW much money is involved."
The oldest trustee opened his eyes and said, "Take the money and give the horse the degree."
The president asked, "Don't you think that would be a disgrace to us?"
"Of course not, " the wise old trustee said. "It would be an honor. It'd be the first time we ever gave a degree to an ENTIRE horse."
A man who was noted for his tact was awakened one morning at four o'clock by his ringing telephone. "Your dog's barking, and it's keeping me awake," said an irate voice.
The man thanked the caller and politely asked his name before hanging up. The next morning at four o'clock, he called back his neighbor...
"Sir," he said, "I don't have a dog."
I have recently been diagnosed with AAADD - Age Activated Attention Deficit Disorder
This is how it goes...
I decide to do work on the car, I start to the garage and notice the mail on the table. OK, I'm going to work on the car... BUT FIRST...
I'm going to go through the mail. Lay car keys down on desk. After discarding the junk mail, I notice the trash can is full. OK, I'll just put the bills on my desk....BUT FIRST...
I'll take the trash out, but since I'm going to be near the mailbox, I'll address a few bills.... Yes. Now, where is the checkbook? Oops.. there's only one check left. Where did I put the extra checks? Oh, there is my empty plastic cup from last night on my desk. I'm going to look for those checks... BUT FIRST...
I need to put the cup back in the kitchen. I head for the kitchen, look out the window, notice the flowers need a drink of water, I put the cup on the counter and there's my extra pair of glasses on the kitchen counter. What are they doing here? I'll just put them away... BUT FIRST...
I need to water those plants. I head for the door and... Aaaagh! someone left the TV remote in the wrong spot. Okay, I'll put the remote away and water the plants... BUT FIRST...
I need to find those checks.
END OF DAY: Oil in car not changed, bills still unpaid, cup still in the sink, checkbook still has only one check left, lost my car keys,... And, when I try to figure out how come nothing got done today, I'm baffled because... I KNOW I WAS BUSY ALL DAY! I realize this condition is serious... I'd get help... BUT FIRST...
I think I'll check my e-mail.
Down in Florida, two widows were talking and one asked the other, "Do you ever get to feeling horny??
"Yes," her friend replied. "What do you do about it?"
"I usually suck on a Lifesaver.? ...
... After a moment of stunned silence her friend asked, "Well, what beach do you go to?
Mr Lee was terribly overweight, so his doctor put him on a diet.
"I want you to eat regularly for 2 days, then skip a day, and repeat this procedure for 2 weeks. The next time I see you, you'll have lost at least 5 pounds."
When Mr Lee returned, he shocked the doctor by losing nearly 20 pounds. "Why, that's amazing!" the doctor said, "Did you follow my instructions?"
Mr Lee nodded. "I'll tell you though, I thought I was going to drop dead that 3rd day."
"From hunger, you mean?"...
"No, from skipping."...
Old Home Purchase
We purchased an old home in Northern New York State from two elderly sisters. Winter was fast approaching and I was concerned about the house's lack of insulation.
"If they could live here all those years, so can we!" my husband
One November night the temperature plunged to below zero, and we woke up to find interior walls covered with frost. My husband called the sisters to ask how they had kept the house warm. After a brief conversation, he hung up.
"For the past 30 years," he muttered, "they've gone to Florida for the winter."
Help, I'm Thirsty
An Arab was walking through the Pakistan desert, desperate for water, when he saw something, far off in the distance.
Hoping to find water, he walked towards image, only to find a little old Jewish man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it.
The Arab asked, "Please, I'm dying of thirst, can I have some water?"
The man replied, "I don't have any water, but why don't you buy a tie? Here's one that goes nicely with your robes."
The Arab shouted, "I don't want a tie, you Jewish idiot, I need water!"
"OK, don't buy a tie. But to show you what a nice guy I am, I'll tell you that over that hill there, about 8 miles, is a nice restaurant. Walk that way,...look for Sam's Shack, they'll give you all the water you want."
The Arab thanked him and walked away toward the hill and eventually disappeared.
Three hours later the Arab came crawling back to where the man was sitting behind his card table with the tie display.
He said, "I told you, about 8 miles over that hill. Couldn't you find it?"
The Arab rasped, "I found it all right. But your brother Sam wouldn't let me in without a tie."
Naughty But Funny
Two elderly ladies are sitting on the front porch, doing nothing. One lady turns and asks, "Do you still get horny?"
The other replies, "Oh sure I do."
The first old lady asks, "What do you do about it?"
The second old lady replies, "I suck a lifesaver."
After a few moments, the first old lady asks, "Who drives you to the beach?"
An old lady was standing at the railing of the cruise ship holding her hat on tightly so that it would not blow off in the wind. A gentleman approached her and said: "Pardon me, madam. I do not intend to be forward, but did you know that your dress is blowing up in this high wind?"
"Yes, I know," said the lady, "I need both hands to hold onto this hat."
"But, madam, you must know that your privates are exposed!" said the gentleman in earnest.
The woman looked down, then back up at the man and replied," Sir, anything you see down there is 85 years old. I just bought this hat yesterday!"
Ethel and Mabel, two elderly widows, were watching the folks go by from their park bench. Ethel said, "You know, Mabel, I've been reading this 'Sex and Marriage' book and all they talk about is 'mutual orgasm'.'Mutual orgasm' here and mutual orgasm' there-that's all they talk about. Tell me, Mabel, when your husband was alive, did you two ever have mutual orgasm?"
Mabel thought for a long while. Finally, she shook her head and said, "No, I think we had State Farm.
Short Doctor Jokes:
A man speaks frantically into the phone, "My wife is pregnant, and her contractions are only two minutes apart!"
"Is this her first child?" the doctor queries.
"No, you idiot!" the man shouts. "This is her husband!"
A guy walks into work, and both of his ears are all bandaged up. The boss
says, "What happened to your ears?"
He says, "Yesterday I was ironing a shirt when the phone rang and shhh! I
accidentally answered the iron."
The boss says, "Well, that explains one ear, but what happened to your other
He says, "Well, jeez, I had to call the doctor!"
A Short History of Medicine: "
Doctor, I have an ear ache."
2000 B.C. - "Here, eat this root."
1000 B.C. - "That root is heathen, say this prayer."
1850 A.D. - "That prayer is superstition, drink this potion."
1940 A.D. - "That potion is snake oil, swallow this pill."
1985 A.D. - "That pill is ineffective, take this antibiotic."
2000 A.D. - "That antibiotic is artificial. Here, eat this root!"
A pipe burst in a doctor's house. He called a plumber. The plumber arrived, unpacked his tools, did mysterious plumber-type things for a while, and handed the doctor a bill for $600.
The doctor exclaimed, "This is ridiculous! I don't even make that much as a
The plumber quietly answered, "Neither did I when I was a doctor."
The Pearly Gates, 2 Dr's & An HMO Manager
Two doctors and an HMO manager died and lined up at the pearly gates for admission to heaven. St. Peter asked them to identify themselves.
One doctor stepped forward and said, "I was a pediatric spine surgeon and helped children overcome their deformities."
St. Peter said, "You can enter."
The second doctor said, "I was a psychiatrist. I helped people rehabilitate themselves."
St. Peter also invited him in.
The third applicant stepped forward and said, "I was an HMO manager. I helped people get cost-effective health care."
St. Peter said, "You may enter." But as the HMO manager walked by, St. Peter added, "You can stay three days. After that, you can go to hell."
My Appetite Is My Shepard (Pound 23)
My appetite is my shepherd; I always want.
It maketh me sit down and stuff myself.
It leadeth me to my refrigerator repeatedly.
It leadeth me in the path of Burger King for a Whopper.
It destroyeth my shape.
Yea, though I knoweth I gaineth, I will not stop eating
For the food tasteth so good.
The ice cream and the cookies, they comfort me.
When the table is spread before me, it exciteth me
For I knoweth that I sooneth shall dig in.
As I filleth my plate continuously,
My clothes runneth smaller.
Surely bulges and pudgies shall follow me all the days of my life
And I shall be "pleasingly plump" forever.
What If Dr. Seuss Wrote Computer Tech Manuals?
If a packet hits a pocket on a socket on a port,
And the bus is interrupted as a very last resort,
And the address of the memory makes your floppy disk abort,
Then the socket packet pocket has an error to report!
If your cursor finds a menu item followed by a dash,
And the double-clicking icons put your window in the trash,
And your data is corrupted 'cause the index doesn't hash,
Then your situation's hopeless, and your system's gonna crash!
If the label on your cable on the gable at your house,
Says the network is connected to the button on your mouse,
But your packets want to tunnel to another protocol,
That's repeatedly rejected by the printer down the hall.
And your screen is all distorted by the side effects of gauss,
So your icons in the window are as wavy as a souse,
Then you may as well reboot and go out with a bang,
'Cause as sure as I'm a poet, the sucker's gonna hang!
When the copy of your floppy's getting sloppy on the disk,
And the microcode instructions cause unnecessary risk,
Then you have to flash your memory and you'll want to RAM your ROM,
Quickly turn off your computer and be sure to tell your mom!
A dinner speaker was in such a hurry to get to his engagement that when he arrived and sat down at the head table, he suddenly realized that he had forgotten his false teeth.Turning to the man next to him, he said, "I forgot my teeth."
The man said, "No problem."
With that, he reached into his pocket and pulled out a pair of false teeth. "Try these," he said.
The speaker tried them. "Too loose," he said.
The man then said, "I have another pair... try these."
The speaker tried them and responded, "Too tight."
The man was not taken back at all. He then said, "I have one more pair of false teeth... try them."
The speaker said, "They fit perfectly."
With that he ate his meal and gave his address. After the dinner meeting was over, the speaker went over to thank the man who had helped him.
"I want to thank you for coming to my aid. Where is your office? I've been looking for a good dentist."
The man replied, "I'm not a dentist. I'm the local undertaker."
A man is laying on the operating table, about to be operated on by his son, the surgeon.
The father says, "Son, think of it this way ... if anything happens to me, your mother is coming to live with you."
While my friend was working as a receptionist for an eye surgeon, a very angry woman stormed up to her desk.. "Someone stole my wig while I was having surgery yesterday," she complained.
The doctor came out and tried to calm her down."I assure you that no one on my staff would have done such a thing," he said. "Why do you think it was taken here?"
"After the operation, I noticed the wig I was wearing was cheap-looking and ugly."
"I think," explained the surgeon gently, "that means your cataract operation was a success."
Top 14 Things PMS Stands For:
- Pass My Shotgun
- Psychotic Mood Shift
- Perpetual Munching Spree
- Puffy Mid-Section
- People Make Me Sick
- Provide Me with Sweets
- Pardon My Sobbing
- Pimples May Surface
- Pass My Sweatpants
- Pissy Mood Syndrome
- Plainly; Men Suck
- Pack My Stuff
- Permanent Menstrual Syndrome
Your Daily Moment of Zen
(Modified to reflect contemporary wisdom):
- Do not walk behind me, for I may not lead. Do not walk ahead of me, for I may not follow. Do not walk beside me either. Just leave me the hell alone.
- The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a leaky tire.
- It's always darkest before dawn. So if you're going to steal your neighbor's newspaper, that's the time to do it.
- Sex is like air. It's not important unless you aren't getting any.
- Don't be irreplaceable. If you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- No one listens until you pass gas.
- Always remember you're unique. Just like everyone else.
- Never test the depth of the water with both feet.
- If you think nobody cares if you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments.
- Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you're a mile away and you have their shoes.
- If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you.
- Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach him how to fish, and he will sit in a boat and drink beer all day.
- If you lend someone $20 and never see that person again, it was probably worth it.
- If you tell the truth, you don't have to remember anything.
- Good judgment comes from bad experience, and a lot of that comes from bad judgment.
- The quickest way to double your money is to fold it in half and put it back in your pocket.
- Duct tape is like the Force. It has a light side and a dark side, and it holds the universe together.
- There are two theories to arguing with women.Neither one works.
- Generally speaking, you aren't learning much when your lips are moving.
- Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
- Never miss a good chance to shut up.
- We are born naked, wet, and hungry, and get slapped on our ass ... then things get worse .
- The most wasted day of all is one in which we have not laughed
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© Copyright 1998 - 2000 by Gail R. Mitchell..