Breast Cancer Husband:

Caregiving 101
A Practical Guide For Clueless Guys
What Kind Of Caregivers Do Men Make?

This was the question posed to eight breast cancer couples in a focus group at Johns Hopkins Hospital in Baltimore. The women graded their husbands on their caregiving performance during the months of diagnosis and treatment. The husbands graded themselves as well. To a man, the guys gave themselves lower grades than did their wives, who praised their husbands for their wonderful support. The men were genuinely surprised by the high marks.

So there you have it: proof that we breast cancer husbands aren't quite as bad at caring for our wives as we might think we are. "I don't think men are crummy caregivers," agrees social worker Matthew Loscalzo, director of patient and family support services at the University of California at San Diego Cancer Center, who has worked with cancer patients for over two decades and who helped run the focus group. "I think men give caring the way men give caring, and women give it in a different way."

What the breast cancer husband must learn is to be the kind of caregiver that his wife needs. "It's not about you, ya bastard," says Sherwin Nuland, M.D., with a wink. He's clinical professor of surgery at Yale University and author of the award-winning book, How We Die. "It's not about how sensitive or how strong you can be."

So what is it about? A breast cancer husband has to figure out what his wife needs from him. For years, you may have skated by with sex, Saturday nights out, and the occasional box of candy. Now you'll need to come to a deeper level of understanding. Mind reading is not recommended. Nor will renting the movie What Women Want give you a clue, especially in the wake of breast cancer. You may stumble along the way. "I'm sure I didn't do some things right," says Claude Robinson, 72, of Capitol Heights, Maryland, whose wife, Lawanna, underwent a lumpectomy, followed by radiation. "I just hope I did most of the things right. It's like a marriage -- you don't do everything right, do you?"

Take heart -- it's not an impossible job. And your wife will deeply appreciate your efforts. "Greg was my prince," says Heidi LaFleche of her husband, Greg Passler. "He rose to the occasion in ways big and small, from camping out with me in the living room [she slept on the couch because it was closer to the bathroom] to going to the pharmacy at 3:00 in the morning. He was present on every level." And he never even let on that sleeping on a worn-out futon mattress was a pain in the back.

Mr. Don't-Fix-It
There's a lot of confusion in the male brain about what it means to be a caregiver. That's understandable. In many couples, the woman assumes more of the caregiving responsibilities. "Men are just not taught to be caregivers in any sense of that word," says social worker Jim Zabora.

Ain't that the truth. And at a time in our lives when we do need to give care -- when our wives are about to give birth -- at least we get a little training. When our honey is heavy with child, we dutifully accompany her to childbirth classes and learn all about the father-to-be's Very Important Job: tell the Mrs. to breathe and relax during labor. You know, just in case all those doctors and nurses forget to remind her.

Zabora is one of the many folks in the health-care field who'd like to see an educational session or two for newly diagnosed women -- and for their husbands or boyfriends. Someday, that may be the norm. The Centers for Disease Control and Prevention recently awarded a $1.1 million grant to Men Against Breast Cancer, a fund-raising and educational group based in Rockville, Maryland, to establish such programs on a pilot basis for the "underserved African-American, Latino, and Indian populations."

But right now, most men are on their own when it comes to cancer caregiving. They may mean well, but they tend to jump to the wrong conclusions. And the number one wrong conclusion: They think a caregiver has to fix things.

I don't know whether Mr. Fix-It is hardwired into our genes or drummed into our skulls, but this is one stereotype that holds true across the board. Psychologists, social workers, medical doctors, breast cancer survivors, and, of course, breast cancer husbands all agree. Guys feel compelled to "fix" cancer. We want to take it on at the basketball hoop, one on one. We want to pull out a six-shooter and start firing away. Perhaps that's why we judge ourselves harshly as cancer caregivers. No husband can defeat cancer. Ergo, we've failed to protect our wives.

That sense of powerlessness can make a husband miserable.

"My entire life revolves around fixing issues," says Colton Young, 42, who's vice president of an environmental management company outside of Philadelphia. "I get paid to go in and mitigate people's problems." When his wife, Kathleen McCarthy, was diagnosed with cancer at age 36, he had to face the fact that he couldn't fix it: "There ain't a damn thing you can do about it but sit back and hope the people you have on your team are with you. It's a horrible feeling of utter helplessness."

Paul Byers, a journalism professor from Washington, D.C., whose wife, Fran, was diagnosed with breast cancer, is familiar with the feeling. "I can do chores, I can make life easier in other ways. But I can't take on the real issue itself."

"You can't find the solution or rescue the fair maiden," agrees Carol Stevenson, 56, of Arlington, Virginia, a 4-year breast cancer survivor. But that doesn't mean the spouse is indeed helpless. Carol needed her husband, Phil Gay, to be there with her. Not to solve her problems or to conquer cancer, but to stand by her side and to accept her as she was. "The most important thing for me was to know it was all right to be sick, and not beautiful, and not the epitome of femininity. He was always there to hold me if I needed to be held or to talk to me if I needed to talk. I was very grateful for that." To read the complete article, go to Breast Cancer Husband.

Marc Silver

Reprinted from: Breast Cancer Husband: How to Help Your Wife (and Yourself) Through Diagnosis, Treatment, and Beyond by Marc Silver © 2004 by Marc Silver. (October 2004; $14.95US/20.95CAN; 1-57954-833-4) Permission granted by Rodale, Inc., Emmaus, PA 18098. Available wherever books are sold or directly from thMarc Silver is an editor at U.S. News & World Report, where he has been a longtime contributor to the News You Can Use section. His wife, Marsha, was diagnosed with breast cancer 3 years ago: after undergoing surgery, chemotherapy, and radiation treatments, she is in good health. They are the parents of two daughters, ages 18 and 16. Web Site: www.writtenvoices.com

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"Family Caregiving in Utah: A Resource Guide for Family Caregivers."

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Information for Low Income Medicare Beneficiaries

Secretary of Health and Human Services, Mike Leavitt and CMS Administrator, Dr. Mark McClellan, along with the Access to Benefits Coalition including the Alzheimers Association, Easter Seals, National Alliance for Hispanic Health, and AARP launched a major outreach effort to ensure that low income Medicare beneficiaries are informed of the availability of a subsidy to provide them with extra assistance in obtaining drugs under the Part D Prescription Drug Benefit.

SSA Application-

Medicare Prescription Drug Coverage Calendar-

Medicare Prescription Drug Coverage Basics-

Quick Facts for people with limited Income & Resources-

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Alzheimer’s’ Foundation of America and MedicAlert®.
Create New Alliance Through New ID Bracelet

A new service available for individuals with Alzheimer’s disease and related dementias through a strategic alliance between the Alzheimer’s’ Foundation of America and MedicAlert®.

The Dementia Identification Bracelet features an emblem which is teal-the internationally recognized color of Alzheimer's disease. In an emergency, the emblem alerts medical professionals or first responders to call MedicAlert’s® 24 hour hotline to access electronic health records containing vital medical and contact information for each wearer.

Caregivers can easily obtain and update personal information in the system, including medication dosages, allergies, implanted devices, physician and family contacts, insurance information, organ donation specification and advance directives.

MedicAlert® membership includes an identification bracelet, access to the 24-hour emergency response center, family notification services, and the ability for caregivers to review and update a member's health record. The cost is $35 per year and $20 each year thereafter.

A special promotional code of 1242 grants enrollees a $5 discount off the first year of membership when selecting the teal emblem.

Visit www.medicalert.org or call 1.800.ID.ALERT (1.800.432.5378)

Virginia Approves Bill to Provide Grants to Family Caregivers

Virginia's Caregivers' Grant Program has been extended by their governonr. It provides a $500 grant to individuals who care for a physically or mentally impaired relative who r3equires help with two or more ADL's (activities of daily living) for more than six months per year. More info:

Air Travel Donated For Humanitarian Causes

AirLifeLine is a national nonprofit charitable organization of over 1,500 private pilots who fly patients who cannot afford the cost of air travel to medical facilities for diagnosis and treatment. Participating pilots donate their time, aircraft and fuel to make this air transportation service totally free of charge for patients who qualify. AirLifeLine pilots also offer free flights for other humanitarian reasons, including disaster relief efforts. For more information about AirLifeLine, call toll-free 877-247-5433, or visit AirLifeLine.

National Health Observances
July Is:

UV Safety Month
American Academy of Opthalmology
P.O. Box 7424
San Francisco, CA 94120-7424
PH. (415) 447-0213 Fax(415) 561-8533
www.aao.org
Contact: Georgia Alward, Communications Department for materials.

You are always a valuable, worthwhile human being, not because anybody says so, not because you're successful, not because you make a lot of money, but because you decide to believe it and for no other reason.

Wayne Dyer

Love is the difficult realization that something other than oneself is real.

Iris Murdoch

Harvey Fierstein

No one can persuade another to change. Each of us guards a gate of change that can only be opened from the inside. We cannot open the gate of another, either by argument or emotional appeal.

Marilyn Ferguson

Lord, where we are wrong, make us willing to change; where we are right, make us easy to live with.

Peter Marshall

In organizations, real power and energy is generated through relationships. The patterns of relationships and the capacities to form them are more important than tasks, functions, roles, and positions.

Margaret Wheatley

See My Hand?
Reach Out

Please reach out to me.
Grab on to it.

We all need to reach our hands out to one another.
We can all help one another.
We just all need to reach out and grab on to it.

Together we can pull one another up.
With the Grace of God
We can all heal and fulfill our dreams no matter what others may say.
We all have our times of self doubt, unhappy and unhealthy moments
Please just reach out and grab on to me.

Together we can climb the mountain
The fears and tears will lessen and stronger we will all be!
Thank you for helping me and in turn I am helping you.
When we give we receive.

We just need to reach out and give the strength and faith that
Everything will be ok.

All my love, peace and blessings,

Holly